While traditional services remain deeply important for many families – particularly for religious or cultural reasons – a growing number of New Zealanders are choosing more personal, less formal ways to farewell a loved one.
“Probably one of the most significant changes has been the noticeably broader preference for less formality,” explains Michael Powell, general manager at Davis Funerals.
But whatever form a farewell takes, the purpose remains the same.
“It’s important to remember that funerals are for the living to come together to remember the loved one they have lost,” continues the funeral director. “The very act of coming together is a valuable first step to accepting the death and beginning to manage the inevitable grief journey ahead.”
How do you help families capture the personality, passions and memories of someone when creating a meaningful farewell?
A good start is to work with the funeral director to organise an event – aka a funeral or farewell – providing an opportunity for families, friends and those who have known the person who has died to share memories, renew acquaintances and support each other. Some use photographs or belongings and memorabilia to decorate the casket and venue. The use of photos, video, favourite music all further personalise the experience. Beyond the funeral or farewell urns, headstones, ash and fingerprint jewellery, handprints, bookmarks, service sheets, and memorial books are but a small number of ways in which memories can be kept alive.
What are some conversations families could have earlier that can make things easier when the time comes?
Fortunately for many people living in New Zealand today, the once taboo topic of death and funeral planning is becoming a discussion that is being recognised as important. As a funeral director, I have witnessed many instances over the years where a death has occurred and due to a lack of planning it has left those left behind with absolutely no idea of what to do – and additionally unable to necessarily meet the costs. By contrast, we see many instances where the person who has died has left instructions, in some cases pre-planning their funeral. This is a growing trend that ensures everyone involved can take comfort knowing that a plan is in place, often with funds set aside to meet the cost of their farewell.
A good start is to ask a family member a question as simple as:
“What would you like us to do if something was to happen to you”. Alternatively organise a time to meet with a funeral director for a no-obligation discussion. A funeral director can provide guidance, discuss service options, and provide a cost estimate. For many, knowing what to do and understanding the likely cost helps them shape a plan that feels right.
Are there common misconceptions about grief or the funeral process that you wish more people understood?
Many academics have developed models to try and explain grief. For a long time, the most relied upon was Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief which suggested people had to move through denial, anger, depression, bargaining and finally, acceptance.
It’s now more commonly held that grief is not a linear series of steps and is perhaps better described through the dual process model of grief (Stroebe and Schut, 1999) which defines grief as being a journey that sees people move backwards and forwards between focussing on their loss but equally focussing on everyday life – and that it’s perfectly okay to have good days and bad days.
Taking a more practical approach, it’s important to remember that there is never closure. Grief will always be present, but managed well and with the right support, people accept their grief and loss and learn to live with it.
It’s important to remember that funerals are for the living to come together to remember the loved one they have lost.
Auckland is one of the world’s most culturally diverse cities. How has that influenced the way Davis approaches funerals and supports different communities?
The Davis team considers it a privilege to look after families from many different cultural and religious backgrounds. Adding to the mix is the ever-growing rise of culturally mixed families; which in turn often further challenges the traditional beliefs and practices. But it’s also important to support people and provide guidance and information ahead of a need existing. To meet this challenge, we firmly believe in driving a community outreach programme and in many cases sponsoring events and activities in communities. An example of this would be our ongoing sponsorship of the Talanoa programme run by Totara Hospice. Beyond, the companionship, fun activities and lunches that the programme provides to Pasifika and Māori families, it enables connection, which in turn enables people to ask questions, seek advice and overcome fears and concerns that they might have.
But it doesn’t stop there. Over the last few years, we have and will continue to broaden the cultural mix of our team. People look to us for support when they engage our services. We want to ensure wherever possible we can do everything we can to make a difficult time easier.
How are things like livestreaming, digital memorials or online tributes changing the way families connect and grieve?
Whilst livestreaming has been in existence for many years now, increased access to technology and improved internet performance have seen continued growth in the uptake and use of these services. The Covid era may be for many becoming a more distant memory; however, it was during the days of the lockdowns that we really saw the value that livestreaming can provide. For many families, if they had not been able to use this technology, the opportunity to farewell, and see their loved one last time would not have been possible.
Recognising the cost of print media, and reduced readership of physical newspapers, we are seeing more people turn to social media and digital platforms. Digital media gives the public and funeral homes the opportunity to assume the role of publisher, enabling a careful and individually curated communication to be published online, as opposed to the traditional paper notice that provides basic facts and where often the primary driver for grieving families is reducing word count to keep costs down.
An example of the emergence of how digital platforms are changing the land scape are the emergence of platforms such as remembered.co.nz or our very own free-of-charge obituary site davisfunerals.co.nz/obituaries.
What qualities make someone a great funeral director, and what has it taught you about life?
Funeral directors are there to help keep things together for people and families at a time when things are falling apart. A funeral director must possess a high level of patience and empathy, have exceptional organisation skills, and must be honest and reliable beyond reproach.
As a funeral director, I have learnt many things, and even years on I’m still learning. If one thing was to stand out, it is the value of time and presence. Life is short – loss reminds us that our time here is limited and can change in an instant. Stop sweating small things – minor daily annoyances lose their power and importance. And be present. We learn to cherish ordinary moments and pay attention to the people right in front of us.
Visit davisfunerals.co.nz for more information.
